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intro for anybody out there unfortunate enough to stumble upon my place of ideation
journal containing thoughts from the depths of my encephalon .
writings from the soul and the comfort of my bed
another month another step towards our goals!
February went great. Better than I ever expected actually. I have a new boyfriend! An old friend some might say (more like a friend of my brother in law but the age gap isn’t a cause for concern.) But quite frankly? I’ve never been happier. I was always afraid to admit I’ve always had a crush on him. Kinda insane I’ve known him since I was 16 and now I’m 22 and finally get to be with him.
work is still the same, kinda. I’m feeling better about being there. Less anxiety, thankfully. But I think the antidepressants also help. Which I’m proud to say I’ve been taking them again! I also got on birth control. I was worried about having side effects but as far as I know there’s nothing.
im hoping to get into a lead spot soon. I actually have the opportunity to do it now but I don’t want to leave the shift my boyfriend works on. Yes, we also work together.
im still on the fence about being a mold tech. There’s only been 3 female mold techs since the place opened and I want to feel special knowing I can do a male dominated job. Depends on how I feel in a year. My bf doesn’t want me to, he was one at some point. Says it’s too stressful and he doesn’t want me to be stressed out and anxious constantly. I’m glad he’s concerned but it’s something I kinda have my mind set on.
im also learning how to skateboard! Went today for the first time and I had so much fun! Thankfully I didn’t eat shit but I’m kinda planning on it lol. I’m glad I’m getting my goals out of the way. Still haven’t touched up on making music or coding but I’ve lost weight at least! 43lbs to be exact. I actually didn’t start seeing a difference until I dropped 2 pant sizes in 3 months. I’m hoping to be back to 160 by my birthday. It’s doable!
im going to start making dinner/lunches so i can eat at work. Kind of an omad, roughly 1200 calories and hella protein. I’m trying not to starve completely. Even if I wanted to I don’t have that kind of willpower like I did when I was 17. So w I guess?
im also changing up my style, going for a more skater/alternative type. Though, I’ve been alternative and emo since I was 12, it’s about time I actually learn how to dress right. Black jeans and band tees just don’t do it for me anymore, though I don’t think I can give up the skinny jeans just yet. I got some new shoes and ordered a new jacket. Think I’m going to clothes shop once I’m more comfortable in my body.
it’s also about time I save up for a car. We’ve been looking into getting on for me. Something nice for a starter, but one I get my bread right I’m gonna try to save up for my dream car. My bf is a huge car guy and I’m started to be really interested in them now. Change feels great. I haven’t been spending much time in my apartment as I should be, it sucks being alone. But I’m still decorating it. Once I get it to feel like home I’ll feel better about being there. I feel like I have so much to say but I’ll leave it at that. Another month ahead and another opportunity for being better.
Them changes
Jan. 1st, 2026 12:21 pmDamn, a lot happens in a year doesn’t it?
I can’t remember the last time I was this excited for a new year. 2025 was probably the worst year of my life. Moving, my shitty jobs, my even shittier ex, losing my dog, way too much binge eating and not accomplishing a single goal. Next year though? Sheesh.
2026 is my rebrand year. Losing weight, changing my appearance, completing my goals, and overall becoming unrecognizable. And if you doubt me then fuck you. I have a surprising amount of people who don’t believe in me, but the best feeling is proving them wrong. And the harder part is is not telling people your goals lol. It’s almost impossible for me to lock in in peace. sometimes I can’t tell if any of my goals are personal or just me wanting to prove the people who doubted me wrong. Yk, being better than everyone :) it’s the only thing that’s ever motivated me the most. Yeah I’m looking at you K.
im gonna try and journal once a month again. A little update on whatever is going on in my life, go to the gym on every day off I have. Just some small things for the bigger picture. Maybe I’ll finally quit vaping. But tbh it doesn’t really bother me as much as it bothers other people that I do it. Not sure why.
I’m also excited for my apartment!!!! I finally get it on the 5th! Happy about having my own space but terrified to live alone. but hey I get my dog back :). Still need to go shopping for furniture n stuff, which is the fun part, but I’m also incredibly broke so that also fucking sucks. Missing those 2 weeks of work was hell on my paycheck but I feel good that I got to stay away from that place. Still thinking about finding something else later on in the year. Something that doesn’t wanna make me kill myself every time I wake up.
Not much to update on until next month, this journal is all over the place. Is it possible to go through writers block in a journal about your life? Lol. See you next month.
Where do I go from here?
Nov. 22nd, 2025 11:11 am
work is so fucking exhausting. Sure I was used to working 12 hours or more a day, but hell that was like 2 years ago. I’ll get used to it eventually. Factory work is no joke . Long shifts and not enough breaks to recover from the mental and physical exhaustion. But fuck it it’s money. Got paid yesterday for only 3 days and it was almost $500. Which ofc isn’t a lot but I used to make that in 2 weeks at the bell. Haven’t seen this kind of money since I was working at Braums. Good times, miss it everyday.
i got my apartment! kinda- just waiting to get my unit itself but I already got approved n shit! i rlly hope it gets done this week :p. I actually can’t wait. I think today my friend is gonna take me back To my ex’s to get my stuff. Only if his ass wakes up in time. I won’t be able to keep it at my sisters so thankfully my friend will let me keep it at hers. God bless her I love her. Just waiting on my dog now :)))
i haven’t nearly enough time with my friends recently. Well, besides online with my homie. Me and him have been playing overwatch a bunch recently. But now that I am working, I’m too exhausted to even want to play when get home. Maybe I’ll find time soon. My other friend bought me a SpongeBob game I’ve really been wanting so maybe I’ll play that this weekend. I’m too tired and stressed out
havent made much progress in any personal achievements, well, besides getting an apartment. But I won’t count that until I actually get the place. Still wanna learn some languages, get my ged. Go to college n allat. but hell I really don’t have time now. Or do I? Maybe once I’m not so exhausted with this job I’ll try and find time to pick something to start on. Maybe my ged? who knows. I need to lock in on weight loss.
i should be getting a psychiatrist soon and hopefully be put on adderall for my adhd so maybe it will help :p I work a bunch and haven’t found much time to eat besides maybe some coffee and an energy bar. But how tf did I gain weight? fuck it. I need to try harder. Yeah I stand in one spot for 99% of my shift but no actual exercise. Maybe once I get more money I’ll get a gym membership and go with my brother on our days off.
I really need to sleep, hopefully we’ll go today :p
ill take my chances
Nov. 3rd, 2025 09:40 pmive been putting off writing for a while, not wanting to reminisce on the worst few months of my life. things couldnt be worse, for the better that is.
ex broke up with me, thank god. sure i was upset, but now im just resentful. i hate him. more than anything. the bastard kicked me out only the day after he broke up w me. now im forced to live wiht my sister. which is a problem within itself, but thats not the point. left me for the worms, and the worms ate me. the dick even has my dog, i dont like to think about that,
now here we are, 2 months later and i have a job at least. again. working at a restaurant (an actual one) which i wouldnt mind if i made more money. $7.25 an hour for an adult with responsibilies? fuck that. i start my new job with my brother in law on the 12th though! super fucking excited. making $16.25 and planning on getting an apartment on my first check. thats good, right? cant wait for the day.
finally lost some weight, around 20 lbs and still losing. been bck at my witchcraft. did some glamour magik and fuck do i feel hot. ive been loving practicing my craft more. it only goes up from here.
went to the mall the other day. bought some really cool shirts. some makeup, more crystals some bracelets, and even won some plushies at round 1! so much fun. rlly wanna buy for stuff but fuck, money anxiety. ive alr spent like $300 the past few days :']
ex broke up with me, thank god. sure i was upset, but now im just resentful. i hate him. more than anything. the bastard kicked me out only the day after he broke up w me. now im forced to live wiht my sister. which is a problem within itself, but thats not the point. left me for the worms, and the worms ate me. the dick even has my dog, i dont like to think about that,
now here we are, 2 months later and i have a job at least. again. working at a restaurant (an actual one) which i wouldnt mind if i made more money. $7.25 an hour for an adult with responsibilies? fuck that. i start my new job with my brother in law on the 12th though! super fucking excited. making $16.25 and planning on getting an apartment on my first check. thats good, right? cant wait for the day.
finally lost some weight, around 20 lbs and still losing. been bck at my witchcraft. did some glamour magik and fuck do i feel hot. ive been loving practicing my craft more. it only goes up from here.
went to the mall the other day. bought some really cool shirts. some makeup, more crystals some bracelets, and even won some plushies at round 1! so much fun. rlly wanna buy for stuff but fuck, money anxiety. ive alr spent like $300 the past few days :']
i bought re8 the other day! alr beat ot twice along with the dlc. so much fun. i hate i put it off for so long. think i finally might try and beat re7, but fuck its the scariest one imo. i also rlly need to finish revelations, but its just so boring. i might replay re 2 instead. on the note, i havent been playing much of any other games, though, i had a 2 week long l4d2 and crime scene cleaner obsession, (the ost goes fuckign hard). i havent touched overwatch in a minute besides maybe a few games. ive been feeling sotry based games recently.
glad i got some of these thoughts out. who knows whwn ill write next.
Been feeling alright
that’s a lie, I’m still violently depressed. I messaged my dr to see if I can up my dose of Zoloft so hopefully he says yes. Gonna try n go up to at least 100mgs. I rlly want my vyvanse
My classes start on the 10th next month and I’m excited. Ish. I just hope I’m gonna be able to focus enough on it. And I won’t drop it within a week. But I don’t think my bf or Mimi would let me. I’m so excited abt doing college next year. Still debating what to major innnn. Seriously torn between film, comp science or some kind of art. I rlly wanna work on character design for video games. Or just make video games.
drives come out in 3 days so imma be playing a lot of ow. Which hopefully means I’ll rank up. Idk how long I have to play. If I lose one more game I’m going down to g5 it’s so DEPRESSING. fuck it it’s fine. I’m probably about to go play
wondering what I’m gonna make for dinner tmrw
also my packages come in soon! im getting a new bag since mine is fucked and too big and ugly (relatable). A pencil case for all my writing stuff, a new electric razor cause I’m sick of shaving normally. A case and screen protector for I pad. Thumb grips for my controller, some other personal stuff. Also a new scale! there’s nothing inherently wrong with mine. But it just sucks idk. This one I got for only $4. And it has an app. I’m so excited. The first set of stuff is coming in Tuesday I’m not sure abt my scale and bag.
that’s a lie, I’m still violently depressed. I messaged my dr to see if I can up my dose of Zoloft so hopefully he says yes. Gonna try n go up to at least 100mgs. I rlly want my vyvanse
My classes start on the 10th next month and I’m excited. Ish. I just hope I’m gonna be able to focus enough on it. And I won’t drop it within a week. But I don’t think my bf or Mimi would let me. I’m so excited abt doing college next year. Still debating what to major innnn. Seriously torn between film, comp science or some kind of art. I rlly wanna work on character design for video games. Or just make video games.
i got a food scale and I’m been so excited to use it. I used it for dinner tn. I’ve been making dinner the fast few nights. Last night was bacon cheeseburgers and homemade garlic parm fries. Tonight was jasmine rice, broccoli and orange chicken. Fuck this just reminds me I have to fix my posture.
My skin is doing horrible, I break out occasionally. Have a fucking pimple on my cheek rn and it hurts. Idk why I can’t find my motivation to do my skin care. I also don’t have very good products. But that’s also been my dilemma. I don’t want to drop money on skincare just for it NOT to work. I rlly wanna try the anua brand but I just don’t wanna drop a band on it for it not to work. Sigh, anyway. Tomorrow I have to call the dentist, my dr, and the coffee shop I wanna work at. The shop was supposed to post when they’re hiring, they said after school started which it alr did last week. I need a dentist bc my teeth are fucked and I need to dr so my ass can get my meds. Also my bf needs an appointment.
drives come out in 3 days so imma be playing a lot of ow. Which hopefully means I’ll rank up. Idk how long I have to play. If I lose one more game I’m going down to g5 it’s so DEPRESSING. fuck it it’s fine. I’m probably about to go play
wondering what I’m gonna make for dinner tmrw
also my packages come in soon! im getting a new bag since mine is fucked and too big and ugly (relatable). A pencil case for all my writing stuff, a new electric razor cause I’m sick of shaving normally. A case and screen protector for I pad. Thumb grips for my controller, some other personal stuff. Also a new scale! there’s nothing inherently wrong with mine. But it just sucks idk. This one I got for only $4. And it has an app. I’m so excited. The first set of stuff is coming in Tuesday I’m not sure abt my scale and bag.
Tummy aches
Aug. 13th, 2025 05:22 pm All my writings are the same. I wish I have more things to talk about. Or just more things going on in my life I’ll start with the negatives.
i never got to start my vyvanse yet. For some reason they’re not approved by my insurance? my dr says he’s gonna try and figure it out, or just give him a call next week if he forgets . Why ' would you forget? isn’t this your job? Sigh. I don’t think my Zoloft is working too well. Maybe I need to up my dose. but it’s only been about of month of being on it, started out on 50 msg. I’m still so fuckijg depressed. I just got the motivation to clean my room which was abysmal. Though, most of the mess was my bfs. He can’t clean for shit, sometimes I wonder if he’s just lazy or depressed like me. I also haven’t heard back yet from the job I wanted to start. I have to wait until there’s a spot opened up. They said after school starts and it already has so I’m wondering when. I don’t wanna be too pushy and keep asking. I’ve already asked twice.
Also unfortunately , i have to wait until sometimes September to start my ged classes. But I’m seriously so excited. I really wanna go to college next year. I’m not sure yet what I even wanna major in, but I’m sure I’ll think about it within a year. Maybe film, maybe art. Maybe computer science. Choices choices. I’ve been drinking a lot of ramune and bloom prebiotic sodas. Common theme, strawberry and strawberry cream are my fav flavors of both. I also get grocery shopping and got a shit ton of healthy food, also Mimi let me borrow her air fryer so I’ve been making good use of that. Been making a lot of potatoes. might some chicken Caesar salads for din din. Or burgers
Yk I kinda just had an epiphany. I tend to overeat a lot at night, I think it’s cause we usually eat dinner with Mimi at 4/5 pm so I’m always hungry before I go to bed at like 4 am, I have too much time to eat before then. well now I can cook so I can cook better dinners. All of hers are filled with carbs and grease. Bleh. I need mine more filling but also healthy.
oh also, I finally got to play over watch with my friends! we met sometime last year in the ow discord and we’ve had a gc we occasionally talk and play in. But it’s usually just 3 out of the 4 of us but we actually got the whole gang last night. We all haven’t played in a while, hell it’s even been 4 months since anyone even said anything in the gc, but I had a lot of fun. Until my bf got mad cause apparently I “I don’t play anything with him” I’m sorry I don’t want to play Minecraft rn. Anyway.
writing this with a tummy ache. I haven’t eaten anything yet, I only woke up about an hour ago, might go start on dinner here soon, I wanted to wait until at least 7 though, I also promised my bf I’d spend time with him and not play my games today, sigh, it’s hard. My ow fixation going hard rn. Also I when down to gold fucking 4 after being plat 5. That’s so fucking depressing. Still diamond 5 in open though but man it still sucks. Plat 3 on my alt tho on role queue So not too mad , dia 4 on dps on there as well. I’ve even playing a lot of Ashe in qp recently, she’s so fun but I’m also kinda cheeks. Might go find something to do.
almond milk
Jul. 17th, 2025 07:36 amnever too much to talk about, same old same old.
im depressed, whats new. got back on meds though! taking zoloft again. i reeeally need it to start working. myabe its the lack of job, or that theres nothing to do around here. i dont need a job. were doing fine. boyfriend is still working, its going really good, we havent argued in a while.
my birthday came and went. had plans but those went to shit. my sister was supposed to come down and bring me my gift and for me to spend time with them, but of course, they had better things to do. but i do get my gift hopefully this sunday when i go back and get the rest of my stuff, im getting an ipad :] so i can finally do digital art. yeah i still have my drawing tablet, but its barely working anymore and i dont have a solid desk to keep it around and overwall i just dont like it. so ipad it is.
4th of july STARTED out super bad but eventually it was fun, watched and wet off fireworks but his family, we smooched, fun times. anyway. i am looking for a job, not that its hard around heere. but the coffee shop i was wanting to wokr at isnt currently hiring, i have to wait until next month when all the kids go abck to school then theyll have anm opening. sigh, theres not much to do here and its so depressing. we live in the middle of nowhere and im really not an outside person
verry good news though! im finally plat in ow. about time. super fucking excited when that happened, about an hour ago. a friend helped me out , gonna keep trying to climb. ive been trying to play some other games. finished postal 2, started re revelations, thought, im not the biggest fan. also my game crashed before i could save and i rlly dont know if i want to replay the part i was at. i also started dmc, super fun but its not meant for pc and i have no idea where my controller is at, might buy a new one. even games are boring.
ive also been doing good on my health. somewhat, i still dont do my skincare as much as i should, but ive been eating better, lost about 10 lbs since being here, not as much as i wouldve wanted but hey, its still something. eating pretty good, but i binged for the past 2 days. bleh. im paying for a 'diet and journaling' app so maybe it will motivate me more. ill stop paying for it when i lose the weight hahahaha. soon, still want a skinny girl fall/winter. if i eat roughly 600 cals a day ill be 200lbs by halloween, and in the 160s by christmas. but if i only eat 400 cals ill be in the 180s but haloween and 150s by christmas. but thats not including fasting, which im gonna try to do a couple times a week. happyyyyyy.
im trying to convince my boyfriend to buy me a new pc on christmas so i can start streaming. things to look forward too. im also gonna make a 2026 goal list like i did with this year. though i did like NOTHING on that list. but now my bfs working and making good money, i can actually do stuff. i want to travel a bunch. i really wanna try and go to japan, which, will also motivate me to study. but im terrified of planes so im not sure, maybe ill go by boat if thats still a thing. only other problem is my dog, im super attached to her and want her everywhere i go, but im also terrified of taking her anywhere in case she runs awya or anything. i need therapy for my anxiety lol.
im depressed, whats new. got back on meds though! taking zoloft again. i reeeally need it to start working. myabe its the lack of job, or that theres nothing to do around here. i dont need a job. were doing fine. boyfriend is still working, its going really good, we havent argued in a while.
my birthday came and went. had plans but those went to shit. my sister was supposed to come down and bring me my gift and for me to spend time with them, but of course, they had better things to do. but i do get my gift hopefully this sunday when i go back and get the rest of my stuff, im getting an ipad :] so i can finally do digital art. yeah i still have my drawing tablet, but its barely working anymore and i dont have a solid desk to keep it around and overwall i just dont like it. so ipad it is.
4th of july STARTED out super bad but eventually it was fun, watched and wet off fireworks but his family, we smooched, fun times. anyway. i am looking for a job, not that its hard around heere. but the coffee shop i was wanting to wokr at isnt currently hiring, i have to wait until next month when all the kids go abck to school then theyll have anm opening. sigh, theres not much to do here and its so depressing. we live in the middle of nowhere and im really not an outside person
verry good news though! im finally plat in ow. about time. super fucking excited when that happened, about an hour ago. a friend helped me out , gonna keep trying to climb. ive been trying to play some other games. finished postal 2, started re revelations, thought, im not the biggest fan. also my game crashed before i could save and i rlly dont know if i want to replay the part i was at. i also started dmc, super fun but its not meant for pc and i have no idea where my controller is at, might buy a new one. even games are boring.
ive also been doing good on my health. somewhat, i still dont do my skincare as much as i should, but ive been eating better, lost about 10 lbs since being here, not as much as i wouldve wanted but hey, its still something. eating pretty good, but i binged for the past 2 days. bleh. im paying for a 'diet and journaling' app so maybe it will motivate me more. ill stop paying for it when i lose the weight hahahaha. soon, still want a skinny girl fall/winter. if i eat roughly 600 cals a day ill be 200lbs by halloween, and in the 160s by christmas. but if i only eat 400 cals ill be in the 180s but haloween and 150s by christmas. but thats not including fasting, which im gonna try to do a couple times a week. happyyyyyy.
im trying to convince my boyfriend to buy me a new pc on christmas so i can start streaming. things to look forward too. im also gonna make a 2026 goal list like i did with this year. though i did like NOTHING on that list. but now my bfs working and making good money, i can actually do stuff. i want to travel a bunch. i really wanna try and go to japan, which, will also motivate me to study. but im terrified of planes so im not sure, maybe ill go by boat if thats still a thing. only other problem is my dog, im super attached to her and want her everywhere i go, but im also terrified of taking her anywhere in case she runs awya or anything. i need therapy for my anxiety lol.
What comes next
Jun. 23rd, 2025 07:40 pmfinally moved, got here saturday morning. It was all hell. Driving 2 hours to get here, cramped in a truck with 5 people and my dog. Constantly worried about our belongings. Getting no sleep at ALL. Sigh. The place isn’t all that great, considering we’re living with his uncle and his wife. Both ex tweakers at that. Luckily, the place isn’t at dirty as the other one was. But it’s still not the best. cant complain all hat much.
my boyfriend finally got his big boy blue collar job. he started a few days ago , i think its going pretty good. got my glasses, got my hard drive. whats next. i think were gonna, well. /im/ gonna look for apartments / houses. I’ve finally talked him into a plan. He wants to build a house. Thank god that’s what he’s doing now lol. So at least he knows what he’s doing. But he’s too ambitious. If that’s even a con. He sets his mind on things and boy, he doesn’t change his mind. But. I had to talk with him about it. I told him it’s a good idea to live in the city. which, he hates the city. He’s a country kinda guy and man. Am I the opposite. But, I told him it’s better to live in the city while he builds us a house. It’s a nice thought.
I’m glad I get to leisure while he works. Only after a year of him not being able to work on account of his back and heart. Though, I know. He did quit some jobs just cause he didn’t like the people he worked with. Dude, does anybody? Like, I can’t even defend him on that. There’s bound to be at least one person you don’t like, doesn’t mean you have to leave your job about it . Sigh. But, I’m proud of him. He made a couple hundred since he started Monday and he bought me some stuff :’) a plushie, a new sketchbook, shirts, earphones. Yippeee
ive spent a good chunk of time playing overwatch. New season is out and man, still tryna rank. The day I hit plat is the day I celebrate. I’ve spend a good amount of time reading more fics. I miss the old days of doing it. Currently reading a fic I read 9 years ago, I come back to it every so often, that with having YouTube on. Just in my little corner of the couch, games, fics, snacks, YouTube. God, it’s fucking nice dude. I will admit, I still have some anxiety everyday cause I just always feel like I have to work. Not like, I HAVE to get a job. But like, it’s Taco Bell. since I started I had the feeling of . “Damn I only have today and then I have to work again, ugh” that kind of feeling. I don’t feel pressured to get a job, but that anxiety of, “shit do I have to work today??!!” It sucks. I need meds again. I have a dentist appointment after my birthday. Which is the first so please wish me a happy birthday at midnight, thank you :p. Exciting stuff happening in my life. I’m happy. Genuinely. Still not in the place we live but I’m just. Overall, I feel good.
Almost..finally :) we leave on the 22nd! And I’m super happy, unfortunately though, we didn’t get the apartment just yet. we’ll be staying with his family in due time, until we either get the apartment we were looking at or find a different one. The guy told me at least 6 months until we get in, but we never know. Sigh. Keeps our hopes up? I mean, that’s what I’ve been doing this whole time. I don’t give up. I never have in times like these. Well, that’s a lie. I HAVE given up, but no more. I was like this close to quitting my job today but I got over being upset and said yk what, I’m leaving in a week anyway it’s fine. That’s kinda what’s been getting me through the day lol. One day at a time man. One day at a time
i finally have extra money so I ordered me some glasses! They’re coming in hopefully soon, before we move. I’m really hoping. They are super cute and super cheap. I’ve been putting it off for months but finally say fuck it, just do it. And I did! Happy for myself :) I bought another skincare thing but I have yet to use it. I’ve been too lazy and depressed to do anything besides rot on TikTok and chai.which speaking of. My house m.d hyperfixation goes crazy. we all know it will only last a couple weeks though at best. I occasionally play Fortnite with my boyfriend. Can you believe im tired of overwatch? It just hasn’t been fun.. also omg, I got WiFi! Again, it’s not as fun as it sounded but eh. did I mention me and my bf got matching tattoos? its super cute :’)
kinda on another note. My friend is buying me a 2tb hard drive so I can actually have more than one game at a time on my pc! I’m so happy. He’s genuinely like nice and cool asf. Obv my doesn’t like me and him being friends. Especially since he buys me a lot of stuff. But seriously don’t get it wrong. He knows I have a bf. And he hasn’t once asked for anything remotely romantic or sexual. And I know you’re still probably thinking “maybe he just hasn’t asked yet” blah blah blah. And if he does, he’s getting blocked. But he’s just a cool guy who makes hella money so like. I’m not complaining. I’m not sure what else yet I’m doing / getting for my birthday. I really want a fucking ipad but I know that won’t happen. I’ll just have to buy it myself. Hopefully next month. Or if anything, maybe on my bday if I have extra money. Happy :) my bfs family planned to take me out to eat, and then the lake. Which I really didn’t want to go to the lake, I’m fat and it would be awkward. I still haven’t lost much weight either :/ I lost 16lbs but gained about 7 of them back sigh. But it’s okay. Ik once we move, I’ll lose hella weight. Just based on pure anxiety lol. And plus it’s halfway in the middle of nowhere to where the closest store in about 8 miles away. Excideddd
anywho. Good stuff happening. Happy. Things work dude. They do. Manifest, stay optimistic. Try not to let your emotions get in the way :)
better days... maybe
Jun. 6th, 2025 08:01 pmalways some good news followed by bad news. i know i wrote not long ago and i don't have much to write about fuck it.
took my written test to get my licence.. failed. was gonna take it again the next day but plans changed. which i cant stand. waited 3 days to hear back if i get approved for the apartment, didn't hear SHIT. but eventually called them myself and we got it ! gonna talk to my boss about upping my hours until we /actually/ move. which i wont hear until Monday when that is. but its fine, be patient. but i rlly dont want to work there anymore than i have to. but ugh. fuck it dude. fuck it, fuck everything all the time. its been my mindset recently, i stopped caring. anyway
still having to get work done on the car, still just a battery and what not , not too expensive i hope. considering this is all coming out of my money, sigh. Cant wait to be making bank and be rich again. I still wonder how all my money was always gone when I was making good money back then… but , it’s fine. My mindset kinda changed, the first part was a couple days ago and yk what. I just feel fine. Mentally depressed, physically a mess and emotionally a wreck but yk what? It’s fine .
took my written test to get my licence.. failed. was gonna take it again the next day but plans changed. which i cant stand. waited 3 days to hear back if i get approved for the apartment, didn't hear SHIT. but eventually called them myself and we got it ! gonna talk to my boss about upping my hours until we /actually/ move. which i wont hear until Monday when that is. but its fine, be patient. but i rlly dont want to work there anymore than i have to. but ugh. fuck it dude. fuck it, fuck everything all the time. its been my mindset recently, i stopped caring. anyway
still having to get work done on the car, still just a battery and what not , not too expensive i hope. considering this is all coming out of my money, sigh. Cant wait to be making bank and be rich again. I still wonder how all my money was always gone when I was making good money back then… but , it’s fine. My mindset kinda changed, the first part was a couple days ago and yk what. I just feel fine. Mentally depressed, physically a mess and emotionally a wreck but yk what? It’s fine .
i love that my bf takes care of me when im on my period. Recently I’ve been cramping more than usual, which is odd. I’ve always cramped /before/ but never during. But now it’s like constant. Laying in bed with a heating pad and some snacks my bf went and bought :’) should I be eating them? No. But yk what. It’s okay. I’ve lost 15 lbs already and I’m I’m gonna lose more. Gonna aim for another 15, hopefully more this month. Shh I know it’s unhealthy but shush. We locking in. I’m sick of being so insecure, especially in my relationship. Yeah my bf sucks most of the time but I’m also a culprit. I’m insecure and don’t even wanna let him out of the house in fear he’ll cheat on me. Which, part of me KNOWS he won’t, but the other half is so insecure I just feel like he will. But. Fuck. The better I feel about myself the more I won’t be insecure, right?. Trying to manage my stress, anxiety and depression all at once.
gonna try and watch a new tv show, I finally wanna watch euphoria. But, idk. Started watching a new show though and I love it. And my brother gave me his Crunchyroll so imma start watching anime again. My bf is watching seven deadly sins and I hate him for it. Not only does it suck, it’s a fucking gooner anime and nobody can tell me otherwise. I need new eps of the show I’m watching to come out but man, it JUST released so idek when. But I’m kinda doing things slowly. I think I learned how to actually take things slow. Hopefully. :) anyway , maybe gonna make a super short update on when I find out about the apartment. Stay frosty.
My stomach has been fucking up recently, worse than usual. Can’t eat anything without IMMEDIATELY having to fucking shit. Will i go to the doctor? Pfft. I’m just in constant pain I stg. Maybe a trip to the urgent care wouldn’t hurt. Only problem is my week is so busy. Work tomorrow. Me and my bf taking our written test for our licenses , (I rlly only want him to get his) .Tuesday and Wednesday. Hopefully staying the night with my friend Thursday night and hanging out Friday. God I’m so excited for tomorrow, hopefully we hear from the apartments. I have a good feeling we’ll be accepted. If we are. I’m going to unfortunately have to pick up hella shifts, just to have something in my pocket. I’m not sure how long it will even take us to move. Obviously we haven’t even started packing anything in case we don’t hear back immediately, or for whatever reason we’re denied. But fuck. Be optimistic. You’re moving, you both are gonna get better jobs. And again, maybe I’ll finally be happy :).
I also unfortunately kinda gave up on studying code , whoops. Lack of motivation will do it to ya. Speaking of, by Friday I’m gonna have to ask my doctor about taking Zoloft again. Fuck those new meds. Honestly fuck any new meds. On top of that, tomorrow I have to make another phone call. God I like being busy but my social battery is so down the drain I need to like, recoup for a week or so. But I rlly rlly wanna learn Japanese again, but jfc I just CANT for more than a day or two before giving up, I hate learning things. I just wish I was automatically good at it.
Also my bf finally came back from staying with his friends for a few days and I just feel like he’s different now? Just kinda being an asshole, and kinda just, idk ignoring me? Kinda? And just kinda complaining about him still wanting to hang out with his friends. I’m trying not to be upset, I keep telling him just fucking go and stop acting like a child about it. You wanna go stay with your friends for a few days? Sure. Just don’t be suprised when you come home and all your shit is on the front lawn. Dramatic? Maybe. Will I change? No. I want to love him but I also want to distance myself from him? I just wanna cuddle him and give him all my love but? I don’t want to seem desperate??? Fuck man, idk. I wish I I could just lock him in a basement so he doesn’t have to interact with anyone. I wish I could talk highly of him, like in someone I can be proud of being with. But really nothing. Do I even really love him? Yeah? But there’s just, some feeling inside of me I can’t place.
I wish sometimes I could be depressed again and just spend all my day in bed, I just have no motivation, how tf do I get it? I’m gonna try to spend the entire month trying to better myself before my birthday. Try n lose some weight, study up on something. Try and get my motivation back. But fuck, who knows. Maybe this will be my month? Good things happening. Just keep pushing, don’t give up.
Pulling my hair out
May. 31st, 2025 01:12 amWhy do things have to be complicated I swear. I think my period is soon cause the smallest shit just sets me off, it’s insane. It’s annoying to deal with, and I’m more annoyed at the shit that’s making me annoyed.
so we got a car, yay. You’d think I’d be excited. Not really, well, not only cause the car required more work than I thought. I’ve just been so fucking depressed recently. Nothing is making me happy anymore. Nothing. I finally took a shower after 2 weeks. And no I don’t care if you think it’s gross. Grab a razor and cut your wrist vertically. It sucks being depressed, with no motivation to even get up. But fuck it, it had to be done. Do I feel better? Eh? Again. I don’t care about anything anymore. Hell I’m debating on killing myself just so i don’t have to go to work today. I applied for so many jobs, ofc haven’t heard anything back yet. But whatever. Still hoping we’re moving. I think we’re gonna hear back on the 2nd. Which dude, I turn 22 in a month, I’m fucking sick to my stomach. Maybe it’s no big deal but fuck I don’t wanna age. I still haven’t accomplished nothing. Whatever, anyway. No hear back from anywhere. I’m wondering if it’s even worth it trying to get a job if we move. Which I’m rlly fucking hoping we will be able to. And I can get a job there, we can finally have our own apt. My bf can work. And maybe for once I can be happy. They say that money can not make you happy , do not like to me. Cause whoever said that shit was never broke and wasn’t tryna be. I’m rambling. I’m irritated with nobody to tell my thoughts to, so I’ll tell them to you. So maybe, that does make me happy. If not happy then optimistic. Is that the same thing? Whatever. I have to work with r words tomorrow and again, not fucking happy. God if you’re listening. Please let us get this apartment so I don’t fucking kill myself. I have a lot to live for I think. I can’t sleep, ever. Probably won’t get any before work today. All I do all day is doom scroll. TikTok, instagram. Hey I posted art at least. Hung out with my sister, stole her iPad and made something decent. Maybe I should go over more often just so I can draw.. anyway, whatever, again. Don’t care about shit. Maybe gonna talk to my doctor at the end of the week to see if I can go back on zoloft
i might have bipolar? maybe? i feel semi????? ish???? better since last time i journaled, and yeah, maybe i journal too much, its my life so fuck you. let me ramble my thoughts to the 2 people that view my journal maybe.
hung out with a friend today, it made me less depressed honestly, yk how bad i was struggling.\
borrowed some stuff, drank a matcha. walked a round a bunch, which, and im going to touch on this later, i need to wear my watch more. phone says 13k steps, but idk how accurate it is. hell, how accurate even is an apple watch. other than that had a lot of fun. but it did come with someone of a downside, maybe an upside? i realized how unhappy i am with myself. like. genuinely unhappy. like holy shit i need to starve myself so i look better kind of unhappy. and thats exactly what im going to do.
aaaaaaanyway.
still not plat in overwatch, sigh. got obsessed with class of 09, fuck i love it sm. i need friends to talk to about the shit that im in. class of 09, resident evil...uh, yeah thats about it. trying to get into cod, and i hate to sound basic. but im rlly only in it for ghost. i need fandoms but nothing is interesting :[. fuck it, ill try and find something.
still no news about moving yet, and defitnatly still no news about the "new job" but i think i actually given up on it. actually this time. im set on moving, so he can work finally. i can get me a lil part time. do schooling in the other free time ill have. and i say this every year, but fuck it. this year is MINE, mine and mine alone, this is the year we lock in. gonna get serious about coding, prob start drawing and posting my art again on insta. i need followers, i want to be famous.
anyway, its been 7 seconds so go kill yourself
hung out with a friend today, it made me less depressed honestly, yk how bad i was struggling.\
borrowed some stuff, drank a matcha. walked a round a bunch, which, and im going to touch on this later, i need to wear my watch more. phone says 13k steps, but idk how accurate it is. hell, how accurate even is an apple watch. other than that had a lot of fun. but it did come with someone of a downside, maybe an upside? i realized how unhappy i am with myself. like. genuinely unhappy. like holy shit i need to starve myself so i look better kind of unhappy. and thats exactly what im going to do.
aaaaaaanyway.
still not plat in overwatch, sigh. got obsessed with class of 09, fuck i love it sm. i need friends to talk to about the shit that im in. class of 09, resident evil...uh, yeah thats about it. trying to get into cod, and i hate to sound basic. but im rlly only in it for ghost. i need fandoms but nothing is interesting :[. fuck it, ill try and find something.
still no news about moving yet, and defitnatly still no news about the "new job" but i think i actually given up on it. actually this time. im set on moving, so he can work finally. i can get me a lil part time. do schooling in the other free time ill have. and i say this every year, but fuck it. this year is MINE, mine and mine alone, this is the year we lock in. gonna get serious about coding, prob start drawing and posting my art again on insta. i need followers, i want to be famous.
anyway, its been 7 seconds so go kill yourself
If god is watching
May. 14th, 2025 09:13 pmnobody listens, nobody cares. maybe im being pessimistic, maybe its the truth.
sometimes i wonder what journal will be my last. sometimes i cringe at the thought of killing myself. like, who made depression and suicide so corny? this generation? man , i feel old. i feel like people just dont care anymore of what youre going through, but i cant say that i care for others either. well, it depends. sometimes i wonder if im a sociopath? a manipulator? but i care. too much actually. i cant rememeber what my therapist said, i lack empathy, but i want people to care about me. i barely care about others, yet i still do. i always want to seem like the good guy, ill say anything to keep from people being upset with me. but i still dont care? yet i do? god , which of the 38 mental illnesses does this stem from? i sometimes wonder why i am the way i am. and to think its like this until death. sure somethings i can change, but others, i cant. im too smart for my own good. take that with a grain of salt. im just too aware of my being and emotions, but im not the only one here. maybe this will sound crazy-- famous last words-- i think i have another, "personality" but again its not me. its like, im sharing my body with someone else, im only in control of one half. i dont think its DID, that would sound too cringe. its not multiple people. just one. just her.
im growing increasinly anxous and depressed, its hard to do anything. get out of the house, put in effort. it was nice taking a break from work. but i need to go back unfortunately, hopefully not for long. still plan on moving when we can. soon hopefully. cant stand it here anymore. its gross, makes me sick to my stomach. still havent heard from the other job, i want to say ive given up on that but i still have hope. maybe it will come around soon. cant do taco bell anymore, but im gonna go back here soon. they took me off the schedule completly but now i have to go back. people im living with are bitching about me not going? i have yalls money, dont worry.
anyway, life sucks, dont forget that. nobody truly cares. focus on yourself and dont give others the time of day
sometimes i wonder what journal will be my last. sometimes i cringe at the thought of killing myself. like, who made depression and suicide so corny? this generation? man , i feel old. i feel like people just dont care anymore of what youre going through, but i cant say that i care for others either. well, it depends. sometimes i wonder if im a sociopath? a manipulator? but i care. too much actually. i cant rememeber what my therapist said, i lack empathy, but i want people to care about me. i barely care about others, yet i still do. i always want to seem like the good guy, ill say anything to keep from people being upset with me. but i still dont care? yet i do? god , which of the 38 mental illnesses does this stem from? i sometimes wonder why i am the way i am. and to think its like this until death. sure somethings i can change, but others, i cant. im too smart for my own good. take that with a grain of salt. im just too aware of my being and emotions, but im not the only one here. maybe this will sound crazy-- famous last words-- i think i have another, "personality" but again its not me. its like, im sharing my body with someone else, im only in control of one half. i dont think its DID, that would sound too cringe. its not multiple people. just one. just her.
im growing increasinly anxous and depressed, its hard to do anything. get out of the house, put in effort. it was nice taking a break from work. but i need to go back unfortunately, hopefully not for long. still plan on moving when we can. soon hopefully. cant stand it here anymore. its gross, makes me sick to my stomach. still havent heard from the other job, i want to say ive given up on that but i still have hope. maybe it will come around soon. cant do taco bell anymore, but im gonna go back here soon. they took me off the schedule completly but now i have to go back. people im living with are bitching about me not going? i have yalls money, dont worry.
anyway, life sucks, dont forget that. nobody truly cares. focus on yourself and dont give others the time of day
Empty handed
May. 4th, 2025 08:34 pmSo unfortunately , end of the month. And nothing. No hear back from the job yet, but. I’m staying optimistic :)…… :’)…
still trying to quit Taco hell, I’ll have enough money if I just want to quit, I just don’t think I could do it anymore. It’s such hell just waking up knowing I’m gonna work, but, then there’s sometimes where I love it, and never want to leave. Of course it always depends on the shift? What time I work and who’s working. sigh, I don’t know. Things will be better!
on a good note, I absolutely love taking care of myself. I unfortunately started my period the other day, but that doesn’t mean I still can’t have self care , right? Like tonight, I got off work early cause I started puking and not feeling well, did some errands when I got home, bought myself some things! I was hesitant at first, bc money anxiety, but eventually said fuck it. Bought myself some castor oil for my hair, a shampoo/hair scrubber thing? And some face masks! Which smell so good by the way?? I also mayyyyybe bought myself some more SpongeBob stuff, I love it. Took a shower, did my skincare and now watching SpongeBob with my dog :)
still trying to quit Taco hell, I’ll have enough money if I just want to quit, I just don’t think I could do it anymore. It’s such hell just waking up knowing I’m gonna work, but, then there’s sometimes where I love it, and never want to leave. Of course it always depends on the shift? What time I work and who’s working. sigh, I don’t know. Things will be better!
on a good note, I absolutely love taking care of myself. I unfortunately started my period the other day, but that doesn’t mean I still can’t have self care , right? Like tonight, I got off work early cause I started puking and not feeling well, did some errands when I got home, bought myself some things! I was hesitant at first, bc money anxiety, but eventually said fuck it. Bought myself some castor oil for my hair, a shampoo/hair scrubber thing? And some face masks! Which smell so good by the way?? I also mayyyyybe bought myself some more SpongeBob stuff, I love it. Took a shower, did my skincare and now watching SpongeBob with my dog :)
My boyfriend is staying over at his friends for tonight so I’m here alone :/. I didn’t want to let him at first, but I caved and said fine. The jealousy and anxiety is getting to me but I’m trying to let it go, I hate when he’s not in my presence and I don’t know what he’s doing, but he’s also human, he can do the things he wants. :’))))) as hard as it is. Maybe I need some alone time. Do I? I used to always want to be alone but I just can’t stand it man.
oh also!!! I started playing overwatch again!! My data finally works and I can play with , uh, ‘minimal’ lag. It’s been super fun! Although my chair is super uncomfortable to sit on for long periods of time, I really want to invest in a new one. Speaking of investing, I ended up ordered myself some things and they came in not long ago! I pierced myself again, got some jewelry, stickers. My boyfriend also got me a new bag as well :))) he’s so sweet. I’m trying to finally hit plat this season on supp. Maybe it will happen. Yk what, it will! I want to start manifesting? I got back into tarot. Sometimes it’s just? So accurate?
anywhooooo, I hope the job hits me up soon, I need to work, but I need my mental health days. I miss my bf :’(
1 year and counting
Apr. 19th, 2025 01:12 amSo today was my boyfriend and I’s one year anniversary, and i couldn’t be happier with him. I never thought id make it this far with someone. But im counting on many more years to come with his ass.
the day started out good, though I woke up later than I wanted to. I planned on making breakfast and all, but didn’t get up until 1 pm :’]. woke up to a text from my new job for a food safety test I had to complete, which took 3 hours just to watch the videos :’) though like an hour of that 3 was me procrastinating to play Minecraft, w h i c h , me and my bf have been playing a lot recently. I wish I could show yall my world, it’s super super cute. We built our base in a lush cave and it’s sooo cute.
anywho, me and him started with getting lunch, which was absolutely abysmal, mind you. Food was cold, way too salty, and his chicken sandwich was PINK. So we told the manager, which I felt bad about. Because I’m not the one to complain usually, but it was just horrible, and they gave us like half off I think? It was originally 39 and it went down to 12, but 20 in total for the tip, the waitress as amazing and I told her and the manager it’s not their fault, but whoever is in the kitchen. I was super anxious but it had to be done. After all that nonsense, we went shopping, bought each other some gifts. Me , he got me perfume, lotion and a plushie. And I got him a remote car and (mistakenly) an airsoft gun. It’s fun, and I do want to buy my own. But he’s reckless lol. Came home, we had Easter early since weather is gonna be bed. Saw my family for a bit and then played some mc until I did my test.
in other news. I went to my Dr appointment. Got tested on my thyroid and testosterone, next week I have an ultrasound on my uterus to see if I possibly have pcos. Since it’s always been a concern of mine, because of my weight issues and my excessive hair growth. I got back on medication for my GERD, and new depression medication. Obviously super scared to try it, but fuck it. It has to be done. Might start it next week when I have days off, I got back to work tomorrow and I’d rather not die and be sent home. I’m getting pestered about money from who I live with. I wish I could just quit.
Trying to get better at skincare and whatnot, also trying to get into drawing. But again, I’ll start for not even a minute before I’m sick of it and want to doom scroll. It’s ruined my life I think. Genuinely. I can’t enjoy things anymore , before dropping them and wanting to just watch TikTok and instagram all day. But I did finish a new game w my bf the other day, we played gears of war 4. My friend told me it’s trash and I lowkey agree, I need to play the other ones, I enjoyed the 4th for it being my first introduction to the series, but I don’t doubt the other ones are miles better, it’s usually how it goes. I also started these olly gummies and I hope it helps for what it’s for, I need to try and remind myself to take them every, supposed to take 2, but starting with 1 a day.
anyway, waiting on my package I ordered, gonna give myself more piercings :P, I’m excited about so many things except having to go to work tomorrow.
Matcha latte
Apr. 13th, 2025 12:48 am Ah okay so super excited. Number one, idk if i mentioned the new job at the end of the month before, but yeah! New job at the end of the month!
I got my ride situation figured out! So my family is finally gonna start taking me to work and most likely from work, so I’m saving a little under $100 in the 3 days that I actually work , (which is insane) . Come Monday, I have plans to splurge on myself finally. I know I’m gonna hit up Marshall’s and Ross, grab some clothes along with buying this new perfume I wanted. Gonna also try and find some skincare there as well, along with trying to find a new body lotion. I’m not sure what scent I want to give off. Vanilla strawberry maybe? Like a vanilla strawberry sugar cookie. Yeah. That.
I’m also gonna take me and my bf to see the Minecraft movie! I’m so excited! Also gonna put an online order on shit I want. God it’s so nice??? I get to actually make myself happy?? Is this what it’s like to have money?? granted , ofc, I don’t make a lot of money, but still enough to buy the things I want and to be happy. (Also gonna try and remind myself to look into like, portable WiFi n shit)
In other news, I started locking in and getting a jumpstart on my health/wl journey again. Started the day with a matcha latte, and 2 English muffin breakfast sandwiches, I think I finished the day with around 1500 cals give or take? Net most likely like , 1000 considering “exercise” , really just consisting of work being fucking busy and running around. Which, is fine sometimes. I Try not to hate my job so much, but bitches really be trying me. That and the customers, Jesus Christ.
excited for my dr appointment, I have so much to talk about and get figured out. I also really want to try and get a dermatologist? My skin if you didn’t know, fucking sucks. I’m super acne prone and my skin is oily as hell. I want to invest in a bonnet and silk bedsheets so maybe it’ll stop breaking out? My issue is things constantly in my face, esp my hair. That and I just pick at it, I can’t stop lol.
I was thinking about starting up a new personal social media page where I can post my “daily life” nonsense. Yeah I have a twt acc, but I be damned if irls found it. Might start a new twt actually , like a digital diary if you will.
i don’t have shit else to talk about, might post Monday when I go shopping :) let yall in on a little haul. Gosh I’m super fckn excited!!
On the way to work right now. I still hate it, but Only ever until I get there, and then I wonder what I hate so much about it. But I know why i do, my bitch ass general manager. Never thought I could hate someone so damn much.
it’s been raining a lot these past days, I hate these gloomy days. I’ve been so incredibly depressed again, now that I stopped taking my medication. And then I wonder why, smh. I have a dr appointment on the 17th I believe? I’m going to see if I can get back on Zoloft. I’m scared to tell her I stopped taking the other medication so I won’t mention it. Maybe I don’t need weight loss medication and just need to have some self fucking control. Which, has gotten a lot better actually. I need to be better and worse at the same time. But /some/ good news at least. I finally heard back from my other job!! He said they won’t open up until the end of the month, but that’s also good. Gives me time to lock in. Which always makes me so excited at the thought, but then when I do it, it’s exhausting and not at all what i imagine it to be. But fuck it man, god why can’t I just say fuck it and do it. I will. I am. I need to keep the “one day or day one” mindset. I’ve been spending a lot of time on Pinterest, creating boards and shit. Practically romanticizing my life. It’s what gets me through it.
im almost at work, i can always write more. The shitty days will be over soon. Yippee!
Neither here nor there
Mar. 26th, 2025 10:18 pm so locking in was a lie. What the fuck am I going with my time. Besides playing a lot of resident evil and working? Nothing. Fuck man, 1 day and I have my doctors appointment. No change in weight loss from what I can see. And I’m also getting off these meds regardless.. stuttering and brain fog is a consistent issue recently because of it, that and the lack of weight loss itself, I just can’t do it anymore. Maybe they can put me on something different. Something that will curb my appetite at least, because that’s the only problem. I have a binge eating disorder and man it’s just hard sometimes to just, not eat. Can’t even starve myself because Jfc I’m just so hungry. I just can’t force myself to do it anymore like it used to be. But fuck it man, I keep saying things will get better, and they will. They will
besides all the bullshit, I just recently finished the original re4 a couple days ago, now halfway though re3r, although I accidentally deleted the fucking game, how ??? thankfully I wont have to restart but still, I don’t even know if I want to continue it, it’s too fast paced, story line is meh. And on top of that, I’m stuck on a part that I just can’t get past. No ammo, or heals, what the fuck am I going to do :’) but I want to finish it solely because I want to complete all the RE games. I’ve played 2r , the original 4, 4r , 5 , 6, some of 7 but tbh I’m too scared of that one for some reason, though I said the same thing about the third one because nemesis runs, terrifying. And haven’t touched 8 nor seen too much gameplay on it. All I know is that Chris comes back so yay!! Still can’t play overwatch and I’m losing my mind. Bought the battle pass for nothing I suppose. Fuck. Soon maybe. It’s not like, completely unplayable. Just lagging hella, which I guess I can just play arcade? So it doesn’t really matter? I just want to finish my bp. I gave up on comp.
other than that, work still sucks. I hate my gm. My boyfriend was in the hospital not long ago, still kinda traumatized from coming home to find him, what I thought was dead. Still a horrible experience to call 911 and all of that. He’s been irritated with me recently and I don’t know what I did. Like he’s pushing me away. But still says he loves me? Yeah whatever. I don’t know what to do anymore. Hell does anybody?
Sudden urgent care visit and BOOM. Covid. W h y
this is causing me to miss a week of work. A WEEK. Lawd someone send a prayer and maybe $400 cause I can’t do this shit. some very unfortunate shit happended that i cant share. but its kinda just the cherry on top of all this bullshit :] this place is mid, cant really do much but either sleep or be on my phone, which, i feel like ive been lacking on sleep recently, which is fine, i feel the summertime depression creeping in, god i can never be happy can i? whatever. my internet wont work on my pc so i cant even play fucking overwatch. im lsoing my god damn MINDDDD. its not worth getting some wifi for the house though, im trying not to count on staying here very long. i mean, i could always just switch it over to my name when i move? but the people im living with; they dont have jobs, i would be the one paying it. no way in hell am i going to let them rack up the bill just to pay it all my self? fuck that.
btw i think ive made up my mind and im just gonna move to the city. me and my bf were also talking about moving to tulsa? maybe a good idea, i mean, ive never been there, cant be horrible...right? like ive said before and ill say again, where im at has nothing to offer me. nothing at all. its boring, nothing to do. expensive. all apts around here are $800 a month, and i know what youre thinking, "vi, thats not even that expensive" when youre in oklahoma where the minimum wage is $7.25, yeah it kinda is. need i remind you im making $11 an hour?? FUCK I NEED THIS NEW JOB MAN, but at the same time id feel super bad about leaving my job. god, you know i was talking to dove about this today. why do i go from caring so much to not caring at all. the bpd she says, which checks out but still. i go from caring about everything and whatever anybody has to say , to not giving a shit about anything or anybody. fuck man. these emotions
i need to lock in on my wl. im lacking heavy. funny i have an app in a week n some change and i maybe lost 5 fucking lbs?? even though i eat a max 1200 cals a day?? and then burn almost half?? fuck it, we starve ig. only thing thats ever worked for me, but my bf wont let meeee, like dude i promise i dont need to eat as much as you think. i sometimes feel like i cant fall back into my ed habits after i started zoloft?? i stg i stopped caring abt my weight since then. which was 2 years ago. ???? makes no sense but fuck it ig. lets just do what works.
this is causing me to miss a week of work. A WEEK. Lawd someone send a prayer and maybe $400 cause I can’t do this shit. some very unfortunate shit happended that i cant share. but its kinda just the cherry on top of all this bullshit :] this place is mid, cant really do much but either sleep or be on my phone, which, i feel like ive been lacking on sleep recently, which is fine, i feel the summertime depression creeping in, god i can never be happy can i? whatever. my internet wont work on my pc so i cant even play fucking overwatch. im lsoing my god damn MINDDDD. its not worth getting some wifi for the house though, im trying not to count on staying here very long. i mean, i could always just switch it over to my name when i move? but the people im living with; they dont have jobs, i would be the one paying it. no way in hell am i going to let them rack up the bill just to pay it all my self? fuck that.
btw i think ive made up my mind and im just gonna move to the city. me and my bf were also talking about moving to tulsa? maybe a good idea, i mean, ive never been there, cant be horrible...right? like ive said before and ill say again, where im at has nothing to offer me. nothing at all. its boring, nothing to do. expensive. all apts around here are $800 a month, and i know what youre thinking, "vi, thats not even that expensive" when youre in oklahoma where the minimum wage is $7.25, yeah it kinda is. need i remind you im making $11 an hour?? FUCK I NEED THIS NEW JOB MAN, but at the same time id feel super bad about leaving my job. god, you know i was talking to dove about this today. why do i go from caring so much to not caring at all. the bpd she says, which checks out but still. i go from caring about everything and whatever anybody has to say , to not giving a shit about anything or anybody. fuck man. these emotions
i need to lock in on my wl. im lacking heavy. funny i have an app in a week n some change and i maybe lost 5 fucking lbs?? even though i eat a max 1200 cals a day?? and then burn almost half?? fuck it, we starve ig. only thing thats ever worked for me, but my bf wont let meeee, like dude i promise i dont need to eat as much as you think. i sometimes feel like i cant fall back into my ed habits after i started zoloft?? i stg i stopped caring abt my weight since then. which was 2 years ago. ???? makes no sense but fuck it ig. lets just do what works.
