If god is watching
May. 14th, 2025 09:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pavlovdognobody listens, nobody cares. maybe im being pessimistic, maybe its the truth.
sometimes i wonder what journal will be my last. sometimes i cringe at the thought of killing myself. like, who made depression and suicide so corny? this generation? man , i feel old. i feel like people just dont care anymore of what youre going through, but i cant say that i care for others either. well, it depends. sometimes i wonder if im a sociopath? a manipulator? but i care. too much actually. i cant rememeber what my therapist said, i lack empathy, but i want people to care about me. i barely care about others, yet i still do. i always want to seem like the good guy, ill say anything to keep from people being upset with me. but i still dont care? yet i do? god , which of the 38 mental illnesses does this stem from? i sometimes wonder why i am the way i am. and to think its like this until death. sure somethings i can change, but others, i cant. im too smart for my own good. take that with a grain of salt. im just too aware of my being and emotions, but im not the only one here. maybe this will sound crazy-- famous last words-- i think i have another, "personality" but again its not me. its like, im sharing my body with someone else, im only in control of one half. i dont think its DID, that would sound too cringe. its not multiple people. just one. just her.
im growing increasinly anxous and depressed, its hard to do anything. get out of the house, put in effort. it was nice taking a break from work. but i need to go back unfortunately, hopefully not for long. still plan on moving when we can. soon hopefully. cant stand it here anymore. its gross, makes me sick to my stomach. still havent heard from the other job, i want to say ive given up on that but i still have hope. maybe it will come around soon. cant do taco bell anymore, but im gonna go back here soon. they took me off the schedule completly but now i have to go back. people im living with are bitching about me not going? i have yalls money, dont worry.
anyway, life sucks, dont forget that. nobody truly cares. focus on yourself and dont give others the time of day
sometimes i wonder what journal will be my last. sometimes i cringe at the thought of killing myself. like, who made depression and suicide so corny? this generation? man , i feel old. i feel like people just dont care anymore of what youre going through, but i cant say that i care for others either. well, it depends. sometimes i wonder if im a sociopath? a manipulator? but i care. too much actually. i cant rememeber what my therapist said, i lack empathy, but i want people to care about me. i barely care about others, yet i still do. i always want to seem like the good guy, ill say anything to keep from people being upset with me. but i still dont care? yet i do? god , which of the 38 mental illnesses does this stem from? i sometimes wonder why i am the way i am. and to think its like this until death. sure somethings i can change, but others, i cant. im too smart for my own good. take that with a grain of salt. im just too aware of my being and emotions, but im not the only one here. maybe this will sound crazy-- famous last words-- i think i have another, "personality" but again its not me. its like, im sharing my body with someone else, im only in control of one half. i dont think its DID, that would sound too cringe. its not multiple people. just one. just her.
im growing increasinly anxous and depressed, its hard to do anything. get out of the house, put in effort. it was nice taking a break from work. but i need to go back unfortunately, hopefully not for long. still plan on moving when we can. soon hopefully. cant stand it here anymore. its gross, makes me sick to my stomach. still havent heard from the other job, i want to say ive given up on that but i still have hope. maybe it will come around soon. cant do taco bell anymore, but im gonna go back here soon. they took me off the schedule completly but now i have to go back. people im living with are bitching about me not going? i have yalls money, dont worry.
anyway, life sucks, dont forget that. nobody truly cares. focus on yourself and dont give others the time of day
