pavlovdog | Reading

Today was a bit trying. Instead of exercising, I spent half the morning and afternoon looking for jobs and then trying to apply to one. As usual, I had trouble getting the job application to load on a secure, privacy-respecting browser and had to trial-and-error disable and enable features and permissions before I finally got the form submitted.

I am well-suited to this position, at least, to what was mentioned in the job description, so I feel confident that I'll be at least somewhat competitive as a candidate. Usually I feel that having had no career, no years of experience/expertise in a single specialty, is job market handicap, but this position is defined by loose requirements than most professional jobs.

Then I showered and felt suicidal after I was dressed because I didn't have an appropriately tight undershirt to put on. I have only a few undershirts that I can actually fit, and I don't launder them often enough to have a clean one available every day. The kid's undershirts I bought last year are too short, and the sensation of the lower hem against the middle of my abdomen is scarcely bearable. Lately I have been compromising by wearing these shirts over the looser undershirts I've had for year or T-shirts: the lower shirt is long enough to cover my abdomen, and the upper shirt is tight enough to keep me from being continually reminded of the things that make me want to kill myself. I can still feel that upper shirt hem, however, as if it's digging into the depression between my belly and ribcage area.

Then I spent too much time shopping online for some new undershirts, which are now rather expensive. I tried Ebay, Amazon, Target, and Walmart. I could find only white undershirts when I went to the mall earlier this week. I never buy white clothing because it'll end up dingy and it looks weird. It somehow has a blank quality to it while simulaneously being too bright; perhaps it evokes bleach/unwholesome substances in my subconscious.

The second problem is that I need the tightness of a kids' shirt but something a few inches longer. Once I'd found a reasonable (yet still essentially unaffordable) price, I hesitated to finalize the purchase because I had no way of knowing how long the shirts would be. Finally I decided to stop wasting time and to spare myself the stress of trying to think of what to do. I just bought the shirts. I had them shipped to the mall to save five measly bucks because I'm low on funds this month. If they don't work out, I'll just have to cope until next month.

I've been painfully constipated at times lately and my constipation meds haven't been doing much. I think the feeling in my abdomen has woken me up a few times in the past month. The bloating in my legs has become a bit alarming.

Despite studying the transcript phrase by phrase, I'm struggling to understand a mainland-accented podcast, and that bothers me. The host pronounces some consonants completely differently than they are pronounced in Taiwanese Mandarin, and it's as if I'll never get used to his pronunciation despite my drilling what he is saying dozens of times per day. I don't want to let go of this podcast because finding podcasts is a pain in the ass and so far I haven't liked most of the hosts' voices. Also I'm bothered by having to struggle so much despite all my hard work.

There's more to be said, but the drowsiness is upon me.

Current Mood: sleepy

disappointed_lesbian

Today I had a third serving of caffeine+mct after lunch, and that allowed me to skip my midday snack. Between lunch and dinner, the only calories I had besides the mct oil was some coco sugar in my black tea and a few spoonfuls of blueberries. Another diet success.

I was worried about running out of instant espresso, but it seems that the black tea is enough caffeine. This is good because black tea is cheaper and, I think, healthier than espresso. Roasted foods, including coffee beans, accumulate acrylamide, which is carcinogenic, if I'm not mistaken.

However, I think I still need instant coffee first thing in the morning because at that point I'm still groggy from the remnants of melatonin in my system. Today I ordered a different brand of quick dissolve melatonin, and the AI-generated summary of user reviews indicated that this brand doesn't cause next-morning drowsiness, so maybe I'll finally be able to drop coffee altogether. I'm also finally trying 5-HTP to help with my insomnia.

It took me forever, but I finally got my new voip service set up. However, I cannot call or text with it until I receive a text message from someone. The world loves to discriminate against loners. I thought I'd get my sister to text me, but I don't know where her number is. I don't want my friend to text me because I don't want his cell carrier to be aware of my number at all. Being able to use the number is a little urgent because I want to verify my ability to make voice calls so that I can cancel my other voip service before I get charged for it again. Actually, I can cancel it now and pa later if I end up needing it.

Now that I can receive text messages, I have access to the remote AI jobs. They're shady as hell but they do get positive reviews and I need some kind of extra income dammit.

Getting away from the computer a bit before bedtime has been peaceful, but it seems to lengthen the amount of time I need to fall asleep. My mind is less occupied when I'm away from the computer, so I'm more open to random thoughts, but my random thoughts are seldom pleasant. I have been reading during this time away from the computer, albeit with frequent breaks, but even reading is not as absorbing as working on the computer, and my mind is so damaged that even subconscious thoughts can probably contribute to sleep-onset insomnia. So I'm not going to bother trying to get off the computer early any more.

Wait no all the AI companies pay via paypal and I cannot even access paypal anymore. unless. unless I receive a verification text message from them. There are so many AI companies looking for people to train and test their algorithms, I may be able to find one that doesn't pay via paypal. Probably not, since they all seem to be the shadiest operations around, not paying normally or on-time or at all in some cases. Lots of complaints about people not getting paid, on reddit.

All I need is a few thousand dollars, dammit; this shouldn't be so difficult.

So I'm very hopeful about my diet going well and being over soon. My sense of my body size has somewhat shifted and I feel rather heavy.

Current Mood: not sleepy

disappointed_lesbian

Getting away from the computer an hour before bedtime didn't seem to make much of a difference last night, but I got a bit of quality reading done, and that despite my drowsiness.

Today I wasted hours at the mall trying to find boys' undershirts, but I did get more exercise and a lot more reading done on the bus rides there and back. I'm reading La Castañeda, which is about a Mexican insane asylum in the early 1900s.

I feel hopeless about my skin. I know that if I ever get to Taiwan, the humidity will allow me to quickly fix my problems, but I'd rather get it done before then and not be seen the way I am now.

Current Mood: tired

disappointed_lesbian

Another day of skipped breakfast and small dinner. It's working out just fine.

I almost went to a local bookstore today. I thought I'd look for a sci-fi novel so that I'd have something to read between computer time and bedtime. I decided I'd instead read/study one of the many Spanish or French novels I have. They aren't as fun to read because I have to continually look up words, but, if I've nothing else to do, sticking to them shouldn't be too difficult, and it's about time I advance my vocab in both languages.

I'm finally going to ditch my garbage voip setup and, I hope, make calls directly through the computer. The phone never disconnects properly and my voip service provider transcribes my voicemails even though I asked for that feature to be disabled, so I'm very unhappy with what I have now. This change has been in the works for months, but understanding voip technology well enough to do something different takes a lot of research. Well, today I finally did that research, spent hours this evening looking up the difference between SIP and VOIP, call security/privacy, and comparing service providers. Now I'm ready to sign up for services, but I need to read the provider's policies, and I'm tired and burned out from reading shit online, so I'll put that off until tomorrow.

It's ten pm, and hour before bedtime, so I guess I'll try getting off the computer now. The recommendation I most recently read was two hours before bedtime, but I'm not there yet.

Current Mood: sleepy

disappointed_lesbian

Today is an historic occasion because I finally managed to skip a meal. For breakfast I had nothing but two heaping spoonfuls of thawed wild blueberries and perhaps a tablespoon of soy milk in my black tea with mct oil. I wasn't terribly hungry but drinking black tea on an empty stomach gives me nausea. I had a little coconut sugar in the tea as well.

This was after I got back from an hour and a half morning walk, before which I had coffee and espresso+mct oil. I chanced a bit more espresso than I've been having, and that seems to have made the difference in my hunger. What I said in my last post was wrong; the mct oil certainly does affect my appetite, but I need to have it with the right amount of caffeine. After my walk, when I normally have breakfast, I wasn't sure I'd make it without eating and was hesitant to potentially make myself ill trying, but I didn't feel very hungry, so try I did. Skipping breakfast was great for my studies; I had more time to get through the morning's new vocab. In the past, I wouldn't have been able to focus, but the right dose of caffeine makes all the difference it seems.

The second dose of caffeine, the black tea+mct, got me through my late morning workout, I guess we'll call it: bench press, then spinning bike, followed by forty-five minutes to an hour on the treadmill. I love this goddamned treadmill. Walking on the treadmill is like the finishing touch for my workouts.

I wasn't extra hungry at lunch, but having an extra slice of tofu helped fend off hunger later. I still needed a snack, so I had what I normally have for breakfast with a smaller serving of oats. Dinner was tiny: I had just the first course, rice, potatoes, and green peas, and felt fine, so I didn't make the tofu and veggies that was going to be the second course.

I've noticed that I'm losing my taste for condiments. I used to put soy sauce and coconut aminos in the rice and veggies I usually have for lunch. Then I began to leave out one or the other. Most recently, I don't want either, and the rice is seasoned only with salt, sometimes a chopped seaweed+sesame seed topping, and a tasty sort of cooked-on flavor that sticks to the inside of the rice cooker when it hasn't been cleaned for more than a few days. I have this rice with tofu, which I usually season with sweet and sour sauce and occasionally bbq sauce or nutritional yeast. Today the sweet and sour sauce I've been in love with these past few months seemed like too much flavor.

I'm glad I can skip breakfast because the fewer staple calories I consume, the more veggies, fruit, and low-cal sweetener I can afford. The diet should go by much more quickly now. I thought cutting my oats in half would achieve that, but seems like it made little difference, and indeed, in the mirror I look rather like I've gained weight, but that could just be bloating.

Now, in terms of appearance, I need to focus on my face. I've been slacking on moisturizer, and I suspect that's part of the reason for the new hyperpigmentation. I have a rough time finding a facial moisturizer because products either break me out or contain ingredients I don't trust. I use vegetable glycerin but it is not moisturizing enough by itself. For years I've been wanting to mix it with aloe vera, but the cleanest aloe vera products I've found contain citric acid, which doesn't seem like a good thing to put on my face daily. I finally found a seemingly suitable aloe vera skincare product today, but I'm going to wait until I get my May income so I don't empty my checking out paying for it + shipping and handling. I'm going to get some squalane too maybe.

I can't wait to get away from usian men. Growing up in this country is traumatizing.

Perhaps I'll try less screen time before bed. I didn't work before, but things are different now; I'm sleeping more deeply, taking melatonin at the right time apparently. The problem is that I have nothing to do during the time between leaving the computer and getting ready for bed. I have nothing to read, and the time seems better spent studying Mandarin. And I have so much horrible shit in my mind that I'm loathe to be alone with just my thoughts.

A killer recently got trampled by elephants:

https://nz.news.yahoo.com/millionaire-big-game-hunter-trampled-175641549.html

Good riddance. Rich asshole using his money to go globe-trotting on killing sprees. What trash is there amongst humanity.

Current Mood: sleepy

disappointed_lesbian

I tried to have one-third to one-half a cup of berries and a slice of tofu for my midday snack. It worked for a while, but I wasn't able to make it to dinner. My body always wants more carbs. I felt weak and couldn't focus on studying.

I found a reddit thread in which several posters said that the body just gets used to eating often and needs time to adapt to fewer meals/fasting, time which can include feeling like shit and just pushing through. I'm not sure that'll work for me, and I don't want to spend less time studying while I wait to find out whether it will work. I've been trying to get my body to adapt forever, so I'm not sure what else to do. Decrease the snack by a teaspoon at a time?

I had another snack, but the effects didn't last long and I've been weak and hungry again this last hour leading up to dinner.

The mct oil doesn't seem to be helping with my appetite.

Current Mood: stomachachey

cashew

I'm recovering from physical and mental exhaustion. Long story short, due to having anxiety and travel policies constantly changing, I had a hell of a time hosting. Along with physical exhaustion, I'm also mentally drained, on top of premenstrual cramps (apparently my body decided the week before menstruation is also an acceptable time to become inflamed and painful), I'm a bit nonfunctional at the moment.

So.

I'm writing shit on my phone because what else am I gonna do amirite?

International politics is crazy at the moment and I don't have the mental space to worry about anyone outside of my immediate circle at the moment. So instead, I'm watching DND-tube to distract my brain. Except this past week was Monster Week and the theme was Fey and I have... annoyances.

So much of DND is Anglo-/Euro-centric that it's honestly sometimes off-putting. When I'm playing solo, I can at least forget about how much of the space is dominated by this "White" centric culture. (I use "white" in the American understanding that, while there are still very much ethnicities, there is also a general schmear of Judeo-Christian influence with healthy dusting of Greco-Roman aesthetic that kind of all blends together into the concept of "universality" slurry referring only to the shared Western Civ roots rather than any actual human species universality.) But when I'm watching videos, it gets a bit hard to take the self-congratulatory "aren't we so inclusive" tones. Which is only mitigated by how much of the remaining communities don't even have that amount of awareness.

So I should probably get a bit more specific.

DND, despite going through roughtly 8 editions at this point (OD&D, AD&D 1e/2e, D&D 3e/3.5e, 4e, 5e/5.5e, plus however you count the BECMI versions), still very much adheres to the basic concept of "4-6 individuals go into known hostile territory to loot treasure." Very, very few DND written adventures have not followed this particular formula. One that comes to mind is the Strixhaven material (a magic school adventure that got panned widely) and Waterdeep: Dragon Heist (an urban fantasy that garnered praise).

The point I'm trying to make is that DND at its heart, despite its push to present itself as a flexible system, is a game that participates in imperial colonialist values, albeit using the excuse of "they're the bad guys/monsters" as the justification for why it is heroic and completely reasonable for 4-6 plucky individuals to go traipsing in territory owned by clearly hostile groups of sapient creatures for the sake of taking other people's valuable items as their own. Concepts such as social contracts, collective action, institutional authority, interstate diplomacy... are meaningless. Apparently nothing is more efficient than a fireball. Well, other than upcasting the fireball, of course.

While DMs in the community try their best to come up with better ways to massage the "violence first ask questions later" mentality, exactly zero DMs consider it acceptable to end a campaign without an epic boss fight. (Which is only further reinforced by videogame RPGs, because combat is easy to code, diplomacy much less so.) And with the world as it is at the moment, yes, there's something comforting about escaping into the fantasy that all the world's ills can be curbstomped with a magical nuke. Yet, at the same time, it also feels bland AF and a bit disturbing when you consider just briefly that this further reinforces the idea that taking ill-gotten goods for oneself is totally acceptable if it's taken from the "bad guys." (Also, the "bad guys" are never "just some random rich dude who profits off of the exploitation of the poor." Oh no, it's always a lich or demon or cultist or some monstrous individual rather than, y'know, mundane human levels of evil like war profiteering or healthcare denials. Anyway.)

For me, personally, the most fun I had when playing a pre-written module was Wild Beyond the Witchlight. Because it was the only module where there was no fighting. Instead, the entire adventure was cleared through heavy roleplay and deal-making (albeit of the fey magic type), where the most helpful skills were not determined by how much damage you could do, but by the ability to put on magical disguises or find the right answers to inconvenient questions. Looting was discouraged and players are encouraged to find ways to barter and trade favors instead. In other words, diplomacy over violence.

So. I'm both escaping into DND and getting annoyed at the community's tonal blandness that lacks perspectives outside of the Anglo-/Euro-centric world view. Also getting tired of this "inclusive" posturing which doesn't question how the Western liberal values stem from a post-hoc justification for their imperial colonialist history and the maintenance of a world order that privileges the American-led political bloc by disadvantaging other nations and cultures.

Anyway. Thoughts.

Current Mood: crappy
Crossposts: https://cashew.insanejournal.com/1894655.html

disappointed_lesbian

mct oil. I got the idea from the japanese guy whose youtube channel I linked two posts ago. I'm using it to make a sort of bulletproof coffee; I think the actual bulletproof coffee is made with butter, which is beyond gross and not just because butter is a product of bovine rape. Butter is so rich, I don't know how anyone can bear eating it, and I don't see how it pairs well with the flavor of coffee. Putting oil in coffee is rather weird too, but no oil is as nauseatingly rich as butter, and I got an unflavored mct oil, although the vanilla flavor would probably have been ok too.

My morning schedule was off because I got up late, at eight am, so I had the coffee just after breakfast rather than by itself, just before I go out for the morning walk, which is when I usually have the first coffee of the day. That means that I won't find out today how I'd fare on just the oil and coffee. However, if this combo does what it's supposed to do, I should be able to skip lunch.

It's supposed to improve cognitive function, and I already feel more clear-headed than I normally do at this time of the day (eleven am), but maybe that's because I had caffeine just an hour and a half ago rather than hours ago, as would be the case on a normal day. My morning vocab study time went more smoothly than usual; focusing and remembering was easier than usual.

On the other hand, I don't normally feel this peaceful and steady so soon after having caffeine. Usually it takes more time for me to absorb the caffeine, or, at least, that's what it feels like, and then I feel jittery for a bit. I actually had black tea and like just a teaspoon of actual coffee, instant coffee mixed with instant espresso.

So it's seven pm now. I wasn't able to skip lunch nor my midday snack. I wasn't super hungry at lunch time, but I felt weak.

I'm back to sleeping in the living room. Couldn't sleep last night because I was so cold in my bedroom. Now I remember why I moved into the living room: the bedroom is colder. I've been swallowing iron capsules instead of taking the liquid iron, so my iron is probably low again. The liquid iron has stained my teeth, and I'm tired of the flavor and tired of having to remember to take it just before bed so I won't have to spend the day with an upset stomach. Everything is a goddamned struggle and I'm tired of it all.

Instead of my menstrual cycle depleting me of iron, now I have to worry about my black tea and coffee intake blocking absorption. When I had caffeine just a couple times per day, separating it from meals was easier. Now that I need to microdose it to avoid hotflashes, I'm having it closer to meals.

It's National Crime Victims' Rights Week.

https://www.ovc.ojp.gov/ncvrw2026/overview

Kind of a joke in this country; then again, the large amount of crime we have is probably why this event exists in the first place.

I started to apply to a job with Disney today, but the privacy policy seems to indicate that even job applicants are potentially subject to having personal data sold to or shared with third parties. Goddamned corporations.

Current Mood: sleepy

disappointed_lesbian

Now that I once again have access to invidious, I'm wasting time watching online videos. I start off watching while I eat meals, but most videos last longer than a meal, and I always want to finish what I've begun, so I end up continuing to watch instead of transitioning to a more productive activity after I'm done eating. This must stop. During and after dinner this evening, I watched nearly an hour of a medical examiner's testimony in a murder trial. CourtTV is really the worst kind of content to be taken with because all the videos are long.

Today wasn't terrible in terms of productiveness; I spent a good deal of time searching for scholarships, but came up empty-handed. If I ever come into a good sum of money, I'd like to create a scholarship for people who want to permanently leave the u.s. and/or study a foreign language overseas outside of a study abroad or foreign degree program.

The latter two describe nearly every language scholarship I've been able to find, so I don't qualify. I just want to do my one year of language school and then find a job. I wouldn't mind doing a master's degree; it just seems weird and like a bad idea given how much of my life I've already spent not earning any income. I'm going to go to my dream country and then spend two or three more years with no income? It sounds crazy and risky. I'll need money to stay long-term.

I finally slept again last night. I had to take a lot of melatonin. I keep trying to limit my melatonin intake because I seem to absorb it slowly and it leaves me groggy the morning after I've taken it, but I cannot sleep without quite a bit of it. I've just remembered that I had an interesting dream, but I cannot remember what happened in it, dammit.

I gave myself a great haircut today; I felt so attractive.

I am addicted to seaweed. It doesn't even taste all that good. I wonder whether I simply crave it because my iron is always low.

Through the job site to which the junior college illicitly gave my info, I received an invitation to an informational webinar or something for veterans. It's being presented by Customs and Border Protection. That's a booming industry right now. I, however, have no interest and even less aptitude for it.

Current Mood: idk

disappointed_lesbian

Today was peaceful. I stayed home, did all my walking on the treadmill. Got into a flow state and created a ton of Mandarin flashcards. I looked back at the chatgpt podcast episode and found that's no longer so difficult, plus I'm super curious about the content, so I've restarted studying it alongside the glass ceiling episode from the same podcast.

I also started studying my third episode from learn chinese the taiwanese way or whatever it's called, I can never remember. I'm already a fourth of the way through it after less than a day. The development of my reading and aural comprehension are making it a breeze, and that in turn motivates me to get through it more quickly. Having multiple audio files open at once eats up ram, but I can no longer bear one at a time.

I think I'm going to quit immersive chinese. Remembeing how to pronounce all the new vocab is becoming too difficult for me to bother, particularly now that I've missed a few days. I was hellbent on finishing every lesson, to the point of neglecting my typical way of studying, but that hellbentedness is gone now.

I didn't go out today except to take out the trash and recycling. My next door neighbor was at the dumpster just before me and asked me how I was. I said "fine." She hesitated and seemed to want or expect more from me without knowing what to say.

Haven't been sleeping again; maybe I need to re-adjust to my bedroom.

My skin was improving; now it's worsened a bit again and I don't know why. The products I use make me more vulnerable to sunlight, and I'm thinking that maybe going out walking every day, even with sunblock and a hat, has darkened my skin. I guess I should just give up until I move someplace more humid. At least the really dark half-moustache-like blotch under my nose has become nearly invisible.

Today on dhs.gov I read about the arrest of someone for threatening the acting ICE director:

https://www.dhs.gov/news/2026/04/20/hsi-arrests-convicted-murderer-who-sent-threats-ice-director-saying-ice-law

The email, which is supposedly shown in the accompanying image, literally says that the hoped-for violence is not a threat, and nothing in the email is worded as a threat.

The press release says that "ICE launched an investigation and identified Daniel Barber as the person who sent the email," but the alleged email is signed with the name Daniel Barber. How much of an investigation is needed to arrest a person who provides his own name?

The trump administration is untrustworthy, and this case seems suspicious.

Also suspicious is the recent indictment of the Southern Poverty Law Center for funding racist extremist groups. Trump appeals to racists and white supremacists, and the splc's stated mission is to disempower those sorts of people. The indictment came out of an Alabama court, if I recall, but the Trump-appointed FBI director spoke at the public announcement of the indictment so I'm thinking Trump had a hand in this.

While searching for a podcast episode, I came across a video about a japanese guy's trip to Taiwan. He looked good in the video icon, so I clicked on the video. That ear piercing suits him. His skin looks great and that reminded me of my own skin problems. Useless goddamned emotions. I have the skin of a poor person, and I know it's not my fault, but it stings, maybe even moreso for the lack of power I have to do anything about it.

After watching the video, I clicked over to his channel

https://inv.thepixora.com/channel/UCyqVZ1YRUZtvPYxb27gHmlw

and noted the slightly sad video titles. At least half his video titles mention his being alone, friendless, low-income, and having a low iq. It's kinda bizarre. Maybe it's just for attention.

Current Mood: disappointed

mark posting in

dw_maintenance

Happy Wednesday!

I'm taking search offline sometime today to upgrade the server to a new instance type. It should be down for a day or so -- sorry for the inconvenience. If you're curious, the existing search machine is over 10 years old and was starting to accumulate a decade of cruft...!

Also, apparently these older machines cost more than twice what the newer ones cost, on top of being slower. Trying to save a bit of maintenance and cost, and hopefully a Wednesday is okay!

Edited: The other cool thing is that this also means that the search index will be effectively realtime afterwards... no more waiting a few minutes for the indexer to catch new content.

disappointed_lesbian

Breakfast was uneventful but lunch was my new love, chocolate oatmeal, followed by sweet and sour tofu with broccoli.

For my midday snack, I tried dates in my creamy wheat for the first time, along with cinnamon, and it was divine. Creamy wheat is a miracle and I'll likely buy two bags instead of one next month. I was at a grocery store just today but they didn't have any creamy wheat; there was, however, a bag of five-grain breakfast cereal on sale for less than creamy wheat costs, so I bought that. Whole wheat, oats, barley, rye, and flaxseed. Flaxseed isn't a grain, though...Two weeks into the month and I'm out of food stamps. The fridge and kitchen cabinets are fairly packed, however.

Dinner was quite satisfying but not as tasty as expected: pasta with kale, kidney beans, and a veggie bolognese sauce. I think the sauce used to taste better, fresher.

I ran the heating pad for too long last night and didn't sleep all night. Gotta stop doing that. I thought twenty minutes would be no big deal, but it was. I finally fell asleep at around six-thirty or seven am. Why this is always the time at which sleep is easiest to achieve, I don't know. It's when I should be getting up, when the sun is shining through my windows. I want to be a morning person. Maybe it's autism.

Current Mood: unproductive

disappointed_lesbian

I finished creating flashcards for my second full-length episode from the Mandarin podcast Learn Chinese, the Taiwanese Way this evening. I was going to say that this is only my second full-length mandarin podcast episode ever, having completely forgotten about the podcasts I studied despite the hosts' less-than-pleasant voices. I no longer bother studying those now and will probably have to relearn the vocab I got from them, so, in a way, they don't count.

Finishing this episode a milestone because getting through podcast episodes takes forever because of all the unfamiliar vocab. Of course, getting through them will just get easier and easier (unless I come across an episode that's super advanced/complicated), and this second episode was already significantly easier than the first. It took me longer than necessary because I got tired of it and took a break, so to speak, to study other podcasts.

Also this evening I restarted studying the podcast 隨口說美國, which is hosted by someone speaking mainland Mandarin. I had given up on this podcast before, and I think understanding it was difficult because I picked an episode with difficult vocab (the topic was chatgpt). This time, I'm studying an episode about the glass ceiling. I dislike having to be careful about non-Taiwanese mandarin vocab, but I'm studying this podcast anyways because I like the host's voice and intonation, and his accent is bearable, not so difficult to understand.

Other mainland mandarin accents I've heard are frustratingly non-committal, as if spoken with sloppy enunciation, as if the speakers don't really want to speak or care about speaking, compared to Taiwanese Mandarin, which is meatier, more substantial, easier to wrap my ear around, so to speak.

Today I tried to contact my health insurance company to find out why my information was given out without my consent, but the company has no email address and I refuse to burn myself out on phone calls, plural, because holding large businesses accountable generally takes more than one call. So I emailed the state healthcare department's civil rights office with a disability discrimination complaint.

It's ten-thirty pm, I've had two windows open all evening, and I'm not freezing to death even though I'm not terribly bundled up. I'm enjoying my menopause. I've been able to have a bit more coffee without hot flashes too.

I scrubbed some or most? of the mold off my bedroom walls, so I guess I'm going back to sleeping there even though that's probably not the best idea.

I skipped snacktime today. Well, I had hot chocolate instead of food. Getting engrossed in things is great for weightloss diets because it makes it easy to ignore and even not notice hunger.

I'm having too much low-calorie sweetener. I just bought the bottle two or three days ago and it's nearly half gone. It isn't low-calorie if I consume a ton of it in a short period of time. I'm going to have to cut back on tea and hot chocolate so that I don't use so much of it, have some of my coffee black.

Current Mood: fin

disappointed_lesbian

I'm not losing any weight.

I sleep so deeply now that I can't remember much of my dreams. It bothers me. I dream for longer than I used to, because, I assume, I now spend more time in deep sleep.

My favorite Spanish-language podcasts, Relatos de la noche, now starts off each episode with grating advertisements. They're bright, noisy, and upbeat, and that clashes with the mood of the podcast, which is about crime, horror, and the paranormal. I can't stand them, so I guess I'll stop listening even though I really liked this podcast and greatly improved my listening comprehension with it. I need something to take its place.

Today I spent a lot of time watching videos about gen alpha's illiteracy and poor behavior in school.

Current Mood: gutachey

disappointed_lesbian

I had no idea yesterday was Friday. I lost a day or two somewhere.

It's ten twenty-two a.m. and I'm waiting for my caffeine kick in. I need to go to the grocery store for potatoes and salad greens, but I'm low on energy.

I downloaded some new podcasts to help me study Mandarin and reinforce Spanish and French. The French ones sound fine, but the Spanish-language one irks me. I don't have a problem with most accented English (I just hate Indian accented English, and listening to Australian can become a bit draining) but I have significantly less tolerance for hearing foreign languages spoken with non-native accents. I'm not sure why. It seems like there's more to it than the added comprehension difficulty. My accents in foreign languages tend to be pretty good, so maybe it annoys me that their accents sound so foreign.

I guess I'll go to the store without energy. I really want potatoes for lunch.

Today has been terrible. A very suicidal day. But I'm afraid the treadmill won't kill me. I tried to access RAINN but was blocked, probably because of my vpn. It doesn't really matter. They probably can't help me. They would probably feed me some normie bullshit about "reaching out" to other people to stop being suicidal, advice which would make me want to kill myself even more.

When am I going to finally stop chickening out and off myself.

Current Mood: suicidal

disappointed_lesbian

Today has been rather unproductive. It's now an hour before bedtime and I haven't studied any mandarin. The day started out good: a two-hour walk in the morning and a two-hour session on the treadmill in the early afternoon. But I got stuck watching youtube videos (on invidious, of course) just after lunch. I did get a lot of laughs out of one of the videos, so it wasn't a complete waste of time. Sometimes I just want to catch up on how much of a dumpster fire usian society/media has become.

American Youtuber Johnny Somali has been sentenced to prison in s. korea for creating deepfake porn and disturbing the public with antics he recorded and posted on social media, and, in the middle of the video in which his legal case was being reported, the youtuber doing the reporting came out of a store with a bottle of water and a cup of ice and proceeded to mix himself a tall drink of gamesupps. Supplements for gaming? Warped, but not surprising. People (probably all men and boys) have died from gaming for too many hours in a row, so the market definitely exists.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cj400lje9vxo

This case is notable because Youtubers disrupting the public to produce social media content has become a problem.

Right now I have abdominal cramps from a bowel movement I had over an hour ago.

I'm stressed out from trying to pull myself away from internet videos and also because I'm having another privacy issue. The community college to which I recently applied automatically sets up student accounts on a third-party job/social networking/AI website by giving out student information without our consent. I complained about this to the school and was going to let it go I guess, but now the company that runs the website won't delete my account unless I fill out some google docs form. I don't want shit processed by google because that is yet another privacy concern!

I'm so tired of this bullshit. I'm going to try to sue somebody because this really has reached the point of me suffering something. First a privacy violation, now I have to jump through hoops and have no control over the existence of my own account. I don't want to sue for a lot because I don't want to take a ton of money from a school, but this shit is never going to stop until these irresponsible fools face legal consequences.

I cannot afford a lawyer, but there is a legal aid society that gives advice to low-income residents and potentially represents us. I need to call them tomorrow.

I got no response from this new organization that is supposed to be helping me get a job and transportation to the va. I got an email, but my question was not addressed, so I emailed back and asked it again. This person/org. is so shady

I got no response from this new organization that is supposed to be helping me get a job and transportation to the va. I got an email, but my question was not addressed, so I emailed back and asked it again. This person/org. is so shady. Actually, I didn't ask; I told her that she didn't need my medical records because I didn't need assistance with anything medical. I asked whether she can actually help me with the things I've asked for, and, if not, that I don't need services. I need to see about filing some type of complaint with my clinic or health insurance over this privacy violation as well.

I am so sick of this broken goddamned society. The bullshit just never ends.

Current Mood: stressed

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NiTRo

February 2026

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NiTRo

Reading

A bit trying

Double Diet Success

La Castañeda

Garbage VOIP

Success Finally

The endless quest to eat less

Lying in bed and writing some stuff

Yet Another Diet Hack

CourtTV is a time sink

Alone, poor, and stupid, but it's ok

Search maintenance

I eat the most scrumptious things

Getting Deeper Into Mandarin Podcasts

No More Relatos de la noche

Another bad day

More Privacy Violations & Prison for a YouTuber

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February 2026

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