Maybe…

[pavlovdog]

 My stomach has been fucking up recently, worse than usual. Can’t eat anything without IMMEDIATELY having to fucking shit. Will i go to the doctor? Pfft. I’m just in constant pain I stg. Maybe a trip to the urgent care wouldn’t hurt. Only problem is my week is so busy. Work tomorrow. Me and my bf taking our written test for our licenses , (I rlly only want him to get his) .Tuesday and Wednesday. Hopefully staying the night with my friend Thursday night and hanging out Friday. God I’m so excited for tomorrow, hopefully we hear from the apartments. I have a good feeling we’ll be accepted. If we are. I’m going to unfortunately have to pick up hella shifts, just to have something in my pocket. I’m not sure how long it will even take us to move. Obviously we haven’t even started packing anything in case we don’t hear back immediately, or for whatever reason we’re denied. But fuck. Be optimistic. You’re moving, you both are gonna get better jobs. And again, maybe I’ll finally be happy :). 

I also unfortunately kinda gave up on studying code , whoops. Lack of motivation will do it to ya. Speaking of, by Friday I’m gonna have to ask my doctor about taking Zoloft again. Fuck those new meds. Honestly fuck any new meds. On top of that, tomorrow I have to make another phone call. God I like being busy but my social battery is so down the drain I need to like, recoup for a week or so. But I rlly rlly wanna learn Japanese again, but jfc I just CANT for more than a day or two before giving up, I hate learning things. I just wish I was automatically good at it.

Also my bf finally came back from staying with his friends for a few days and I just feel like he’s different now? Just kinda being an asshole, and kinda just, idk ignoring me? Kinda? And just kinda complaining about him still wanting to hang out with his friends. I’m trying not to be upset, I keep telling him just fucking go and stop acting like a child about it. You wanna go stay with your friends for a few days? Sure. Just don’t be suprised when you come home and all your shit is on the front lawn. Dramatic? Maybe. Will I change? No. I want to love him but I also want to distance myself from him? I just wanna cuddle him and give him all my love but? I don’t want to seem desperate??? Fuck man, idk. I wish I I could just lock him in a basement so he doesn’t have to interact with anyone. I wish I could talk highly of him, like in someone I can be proud of being with. But really nothing. Do I even really love him? Yeah? But there’s just, some feeling inside of me I can’t place. 

I wish sometimes I could be depressed again and just spend all my day in bed, I just have no motivation, how tf do I get it? I’m gonna try to spend the entire month trying to better myself before my birthday. Try n lose some weight, study up on something. Try and get my motivation back. But fuck, who knows. Maybe this will be my month? Good things happening. Just keep pushing, don’t give up.